Being One Flesh

Something that’s repeatedly crossed my mind this week as I’ve read the words of Drs. Gottman and Goddard is the meaning and reality of “one flesh” as it pertains to marriage.  We know from reading Genesis 2 that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs.  President Spencer W. Kimball eloquently remarks that “All in all, this account lends feeling and intrigue to the all-important joining of Adam and Eve together as family, as parents of the human race on this earth.  It gives much more than the fact that she came on the scene.  It provides drama and focus, warmth and tenderness, belonging and protectiveness, unity and purpose to the account, far beyond the fact that Adam and Eve’s coming forth to fulfill their role in the great “plan of happiness.”

Clearly Adam understood the symbolism behind this when he said, “…This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man” (Genesis 2:23).  Adam recognized that Eve was literally a part of him!

Then the very next verse reads, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  (Genesis 2:24).

What a divine thought – that a man and woman who love, adore, and have devoted themselves to one another, through marriage, can become one flesh.  Obviously there’s a sexual element to this, but it goes even deeper than that.  John M. Gottman, PhD, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, describes being one flesh in slightly different words:

“…Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map – my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.  Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage.  They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouses world change.” 

Gottman goes on to share examples of what each spouse in a richly detailed love map kind of marriage might do to demonstrate the ongoing efforts they’ve made to stay connected, such as, a wife knowing what salad dressing to order her husband, or a husband thinking to record his wife’s favorite TV show when she’s working late.  These are trivial things, but Gottman also shares deeper examples, like a husband knowing his wife’s feelings about her boss and her religious beliefs and doubts, or a wife knowing that her husband fears being too much like his father.  Gottman closes with, “They know each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes.”  I can relate to this so well in my own marriage from knowing the trivial, every day things like my husband’s aversion to mushrooms to the deeper more significant stuff like my husband’s understanding my decade-long desire to finish my college degree.  I don’t cook with mushrooms and my husband fully supports me in my academic endeavors.  These are all ways a married couple can become one flesh.  So, do they become one flesh upon the completion of the marriage ceremony?  I’d say yes, because Adam and Eve, upon being introduced to one another in the garden, were declared as such.  What makes being one flesh so meaningful and sacred, however, is not so much the status, but the years of effort from each spouse in learning, growing, and developing together.  It does not happen overnight.  In fact, it takes daily effort.  H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, offers some wise truth on this matter:

“Most of us are quite determined to love perfectly when we make covenants to each other.  But we put off the natural man if the resolve is to last.  Even if we have had a might change of heart – even if at some time in our lives God has filled our souls – every day we decide anew whether to live by the guidelines of the mind of Christ or the imperatives of the natural man.  Every day, every hour we decide whether we will continue to sing the song of redeeming love – or whimper in discontent.”

Being one flesh is a sacred honor.  To disrespect it is to disrespect God.  I’m grateful for the deepened awareness I’ve gained this week as I’ve pondered what it means to be one flesh.  And I’m grateful for the knowledge that what’s bound on earth can also be bound in heaven, according to our faith and works.