Choose to Be Charitable - to Your Spouse and Yourself!

This week's reading has been my favorite of the material thus far.  H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, in Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, talks about charity in both a painful and reassuring sense.  Painful in that he points out the truth that the natural man in each of us is "more likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity."  And reassuring in that he then explains"those negative reactions are a choice - a choice to see in a human, judgmental way," or "in a heavenly and loving way."  In other words, we may have within each of us natural man tendencies and instincts, but we also have the ability to make choices - and those choices hold greater power than even the strongest urges.

So we've established that by nature we are selfish, hypocritical beings.  But in recognizing the choice we have to overcome these weaknesses, we find new hope.  Marvin J. Ashton expounds on this in the following quote, 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down."  

Two things come to mind when I read the above quote.  First, this is no easy task.  Depending on the scenario, it can feel impossible to extend patience, forgiveness, and acceptance to someone who has wronged us.  But second, sometimes the offender isn't a friend, colleague, spouse, or other family member.  Sometimes the offender is us, and in many cases, forgiving and showing charity to ourselves can be even more daunting a task than showing charity to others.  Goddard talks personally about this and how he resisted God's love for much of his life due to feeling imperfect.  But he says something really beautiful about God's love softening us:

"...He reaches us. Somehow along the path, the miracle of His love breaks down our resistance.  As we begin to understand His goodness and receptiveness, we are changed.  We are filled with a profound awe and gratitude for Him.  We experience the stirrings of hope. ...As the amazing truth of his unrelenting love pierces our hearts, we are led to the second kind of charity, love for Christ.  We love him, because he first loved us."

Once we've learned to love Him, we can begin to see through His eyes, which will cause us to recognize our worth and love ourselves more deeply.  And once we love ourselves, extending charity to others will come more naturally.  It's like the old oxygen mask rule.  Until you've put the mask on your own face, you are of little use to others.  Until we truly learn to love ourselves, it's difficult to genuinely and consistently show love and charity to others.  We can certainly extend charity to others while struggling to love ourselves, but seeing ourselves through God's eyes will put us at a tremendous advantage.

Goddard, in applying these concepts to marriage, emphasizes our need to make useful, intentional choices. Marriage is no "picnic with friends," but rather "like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework."  Recognizing and embracing these truths helps me in my own marriage so much, especially since I struggle with self-doubt and criticism.  I find when I am happy with myself I am happier in general, which is then reflected in the way I treat my husband and family (and everyone for that matter).  I'm grateful for a husband who doesn't struggle to love himself, and who frequently chooses to overlook my flaws, focus on the good, and maintain an optimistic, grateful outlook.