It's Not About the Nail

Chapter 6 of John M. Gottman PhD's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, emphasizes the need for married couples to turn toward each other instead of away.  According to Gottman, the heart of turning toward one's spouse is in the everyday interactions and efforts, remarking that "being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway."   This is not to say a romantic vacation can't enhance or strengthen a marriage.  Surely it can, but only "if the couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways."  Personally, I have found this to be true in my marriage.  When my husband and I turn toward one another (consciously work to feel connected and desirous to understand, help, and lift one another), all other aspects of life, whether that involves a fun vacation or cleaning house, feels lighter, easier, and more purposeful.  

Later in the chapter, and still on the topic of turning toward one another, Gottman talks about how we approach communication can either build or destroy the effectiveness.  He talks specifically about not giving unsolicited advice, using an example of a spouse expressing discontentment about something and the other immediately wanting to fix the problem to make the other person feel better.  Gottman explains that oftentimes when a spouse expresses such feelings, he or she isn't necessarily looking for a solution, but rather a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  In his own words, "Don't do something, just be there!"

When I read this I immediately chuckled - not only because my husband and I have experienced this countless times, but because it reminded me of a classic video which demonstrates this truth beautifully.

More often than not, as seen above, it's the man wanting to fix the problem and the woman simply wanting to be heard.  Gottman warns that "such attempts to 'save' her tend to backfire.  When a wife shares her troubles, she usually reacts negatively if her husband tries to give her advice right away.  Instead, she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion."   My husband and I, who are fully aware and accepting of these natural tendencies between men and women, laugh about it and are even now to the point where we set ground rules prior to approaching such conversations to avoid the frustration that often accompanies the putting into play of these natural instincts.  For example, sometimes I just need to vent about something or someone.  When I tell my husband this I let him know that I’m not looking for advice but simply a listening ear.  In most cases he assumes the role of sounding board but on occasion what starts as a vent fest turns into a constructive conversation discussion during which my husband does offer advice and I then realize how much I needed that.

Gottman concludes with psychologist Haim Ginott's 'cardinal rule' which states, "Understanding must precede advice."  In other words, your spouse must know you understand and empathize with the dilemma, and only then will he or she be open to advice.  In some cases, advice is a necessary step in a conversation, but more often than not such scenarios are over trivial matters and it’s best to simply adopt these principles.