Anger Danger

I'm pretty sure this week's reading has put me on a permanent guilt trip.  I have a long list of things to work on in the anger and forgiveness department.  What can I say, patience has never been a strength of mine.  Elder Lynn G. Robbins' message in his talk, "Agency and Anger" really hit home, particularly where he mentions that anger is one of Satan's greatest tools, and that anger is a choice.  Says he:

"He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes.  His strategy is to stir up anger between family members.  Satan is the "father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another' (3 Nephi 11:29).  The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers."

Surely contention lies outside of the home too, but Satan takes particular pleasure in targeting the intimate relationships that matter most in our lives.  John M. Gottman, Ph.D., in chapter 9 of his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," adds to this a less spiritual but equally legitimate point about the way we sometimes put our loved ones on the back burner while going to great lengths to please those who don't matter as much.  Gottman uses the example of a doctor whose "nasty" tone with his wife instantly shifts to "charm" when a resident calls him on the phone.  In Gottman's words,

"Suddenly, the angry, rigid spouse has been transformed into a flexible, rational, understanding, and compassionate being - until the phone call is over.  Then he or she morphs right back into someone scowling and immovable all for the partner's benefit."

While I don't struggle so much with the bipolar tone change, I am guilty of sometimes putting others, whether it be people or things, before my own family.  It's uncomfortable to face this reality but I take comfort in knowing it's just another "natural man" instinct that I'm here on earth to conquer.  I'm especially struggling with this right now as my kids are out of school and wedding season is upon me (I'm a photographer).  It's a constant juggling act keeping up with the kids' needs, my clients' needs, and my homework, and I've sometimes caught myself thinking in the mindset of, "If I can just finish these assignments and get this client gallery up, then I'll be good.  Neil and the kids are fine."  Ugh!  No!  It should instead be, "Okay, I have deadlines and people depending on me, but first and foremost I need to make sure my family is okay.  Have I taken 15 minutes to sit with my daughter and ask her how her day has been?  Have I checked in with my husband to ensure his needs are being met?  And have I followed through on the deal I made with my son that if he keeps his room clean for a week I'll buy him a fidget spinner?"  At the end of the day, these things trump the other still important, but less important stuff.  Too many times I assume my family is fine without my attention, or that I can make it up to them once I finish x, y, and z, when there's a better approach.  It's about being conscious of our choices and actions, and working to treat our loved ones with the love and respect we feel deep down in our hearts for them, even when we have to dig for those feelings at times.

Elder Robbins finishes his thoughts on anger and agency with,

"A cunning part of [Satan's] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control." But in reality we know this is not true. "We can make the choice not to become angry.  We choose! ... anger can be controlled. ... Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives."

Not only am I guilty of sometimes putting the less important things before my family, but I am also guilty of being impatient with them.  Recognizing that expressing frustration is okay but that anger is a choice motivates me to work harder when battling the trying times that inevitably come.  Satan rejoices when I put other people and things before my own husband and children, and he rejoices when I allow anger to dictate my mood and the way I treat others.  Ironically when I've fallen in one trap, I'm more prone to fall into the other, so I need to be careful!  It's all a process, and thank goodness for a merciful Father in Heaven who forgives me over and over again as I keep trying.