Balancing Power Within a Marriage

I am vacationing at my in-laws' lake house in South Carolina this week with my husband's family.  There are twenty of us total (10 adults and 10 children).  It's been interesting reading about power relationships and family councils while observing the variety of personalities, relationships, and approaches to conflict all residing under the same roof for these seven days.  I can appreciate the wisdom shared in Richard B. Miller, PhD's BYU Conference talk entitled, What Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.  He speaks directly about the role of parents and how they should be fiercely unified while contributing their individual talents and responsibilities to their children.

Miller touches on 4 main points in this talk, all of which are valid and worth noting:

1) Parents are the leaders in the family, and as such, they should assume responsibility of teaching their children respect through proper discipline.  This should be done through the setting of limits rather than constant indulgence.  This quote by Dr. John Rosemond is excellent: "Give your children regular daily doses of Vitamin N.  This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letting word in the English language -- 'No' . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today's children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency.  They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need."

2) Parents must be united in their leadership, which means they should always back the other up, even in moments of disagreement.  This especially stands true in the presence of children.  My husband and I are very different with different insights into our children and even different approaches to managing conflict, but in such moments we always stand together firm and discuss/work out any differences later when our children are not present.  Miller explains that a spouse who passively does not support or actively undermines the other can cause damage to the children, potentially teaching them these behaviors and how to manipulate each parent.

3) The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.  In other words, let go of the umbilical chord - both parent and child!  Spencer W. Kimball, in discussing the good intentions but sometimes poor choices of newly wedded couples and their parents, wisely counsels: "Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.  You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations."  He then states, and boy is this powerful, "Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children. . . . Live your own life."

4) The marital relationship should be a partnership.  Equal partnership; equal responsibility!  Neither is superior to the other just like neither should be a slave to the other.  Neal A. Maxwell explains beautifully the pattern we should follow in this respect: "Surely Jesus has given us the model of the leader-servant in which the pattern evokes, 'How can I help?', not "How can I help myself?'  The leader-servant is perfectly epitomized by Jesus, and if we are to become like Him, so it must be with us."  I really like this "leader-servant" concept, and it's one my husband follows wonderfully.  He constantly asks me that very question, "How can I help you?" and sincerely means it.  Our development of Christ-like traits such as a desire to serve one another, can strongly influence our partnerships for good and create greater harmony and oneness.  

Marriage is a constant game of trial and error.  Whether only a month in or celebrating the golden years, a couple who strives to follow the above counsel learns and grows each day toward a more fulfilling marriage.  M. Russell Ballard, in chapter 2 of Counseling with our Councils, says this: "In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord, and that accord . . . represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit." Obviously Elder Ballard is referring to the councils in the Church, however this equally applies to marriage.  My husband and I are like night and day difference, and we have our moments of struggle with all four of Dr. Miller's points.  But when we are both striving to follow the spirit it is amazing how much more capable we become of seeing eye-to-eye.  This is a beautiful gift Heavenly Father has offered his children, and it's motivating to me to keep trying every day, even when some days I feel defeated in our many differences.